Americans don't do al'dente

Why can't I get decent bloody pasta out here? 4 pasta dishes in and I'm loosing it. At this rate I'm going to have to cook it myself (god forbid) back at the hostel. I crave al'dente pasta, maybe a linguine with crab, chilli and a light sprinkle of parmesan (drooling at food heaven). Nope! Everything I get is overcooked mushy pasta. Am I dining at the wrong places I ask myself? Well maybe.... So tonight I took myself to a place called Toscana. Sounds Italian..Touch! Had a look at the menu and they boast homemade pasta cooked al'dente... Ok, I'm in. Ordered a cheeky seafood ravioli, dish arrives, maybe a little too much sauce but looks good! So, first mouthful and it sticks to my fucking teeth! WTF! What's going on over here with the pasta? Then the question entered my head (lets call it an epiphany)..."is there such a thing as, American al'dente?". The question has been knawing away at me.. The only way to solve this mystical riddle is to get an American vs European to take part in a blind folded pasta-Pepsi challenge. In the meantime, I'll be pasta dodging as its giving me the right camel! Funny thing is, prawn eyes said to me my blog is slowly turning into a food blog... Erm and your point is? If old shoe-face Gordon Ramsey can make it over here, why not the Lola? 

Next week i'll be doing a feature on Artichokes and 7 different ways to cook them. How'd you like that my crustacean eyed friend? 

Today took myself to the Balboa park (as in Rocky Balboa) and it was lovely. They have heaps of museums, a zoo, art galleries and stunning grounds and buildings:

Inside the botanical gardens

So after a wee mooch I decided to go to the zoo. 

Take my photo and make it snappy...

A wee swimming turtle

An illuminated snake vertebrae.. Allegedly they have a 2 headed snake at the zoo and I was desperately trying to track it down. No luck but I love that shit... Give me a choice between a panda or a 2 headed viper and the viper wins, heads down (no pun intended)... 

So so beautiful. Shame they are man eaters as you just want to snuggle with them... 

Flamingos. Stunning creatures..

Arrrggghhh.. Luckily there was glass separating us. Scary!

Dung beetles. Allegedly these guys really know their shit... Phah ha ha ha ( you know I love my own jokes)..

Just in case you can't make out what the 3 pics above are, it's a monkey having a fight with an otter - I KID YOU NOT!!! It was hilarious.. Unfortunately I couldn't get a decent shot, due to a fat kid with a massive head, squeezing me out the picture. Seriously funny tho.. The otter was proper giving it to the monkey and the monkey got the otters tail and bit it.. I was crying.. 

I spent 4 hours in that zoo and loved it. I'm not usually a big advocate of zoos but they actually rescue a lot of abused animals. I was sad to hear that some of them are rescued from markets for bush meat! Mmmm... Marinated Mandrill... (I joke of course).. 

So tonight is pub crawl back at Lucky D's. I took part and it was an ok night. I was shattered as walked loads, so not a late one for me.. Night xxx

Some news below to keep you amused:

Science is fanny central, claims Professor Brian Cox

TOP scientists are nailing a load of fanny, according to dance-pop physicist Brian Cox.

Spiral galaxies will make women prowl around naked on all fours, says Cox

The TV professor believes there is still a preconception that science experts are unlikely to enjoy large amounts of debauched consequence-free sex with saucy girls from every corner of the globe.

Professor Cox said: “The amount of fanny I’m getting is mental.

“And I say that as someone who’s used to thinking of things on a quantum scale. Seriously, I’m quite at home with the vastness of the universe, time, space etc. but if I start thinking about the sheer volume of hairy pie I’m tucking into, it properly does my head in.

“The truth is, if you can give a clear and succinct explanation of holographic principle or gravity waves or any of that shit while looking a drunk girl right in the eye and occasionally touching her hair, you’re good to go. The punani express has pulled into the station and all you need to do is jump aboard.”

Cox also revealed details of a particularly licentious trip to the Large Hadron Collider with Professor Stephen Hawking.

“There was at least 50 science sluts who just jumped out from behind one of the massive quadrupole magnets that are integral to the particle acceleration process, flashing their tits and wearing ‘Large Hardon InsideHer’ t-shirts, which Stephen in particular thought was very cheeky.

“They were proper filth. Let’s just say, we took them back to the Holiday Inn and filled them full of genetic material.”

He added: “The next afternoon I woke up and the room was trashed, Steve was on the floor naked except for his glasses, covered in sick and with toothpaste in his hair. His chair, which is really expensive, was floating in the swimming pool all smashed up.

“That night I delivered a paper on stochastic growth of quantum fluctuations to the Royal Institution, and I had to have a bucket by the podium because I kept spewing.”

Extradited!

Aware I haven't blogged for a few days, so giving you all the run down of affairs since Wednesday. 

Well, I've become a bit of a bum and been slipping into a slower pace since I've been in San Diego. I have been skulking around a couple of streets in the Gas Lamp Quarter for the past week and haven't really explored at all. Just been meeting people and having fun. So, I decides to book a tour to La Jolla which is an affluent seaside town in North San Diego, with beautiful coastlines and heaps of wildlife crawling around the shores..  

Chunky little seals

I think these are pelicans or something?

Viewpoint of downtown San Diego with Mexico in the distance...

La Jolla Coves

Panoramic shots... 

So head back to the digs only to find that all of my belongings have been moved out of my room and into the storage room (they thought i had moved out) and someone new has moved in and is my bed. Grrrr.... He introduces himself as TJ and advises me that he's a DJ and is here for a festival in San Diego. I get chatting to him about his DJ'ing and come to the conclusion that he's a bullshitter and never been near a set of decks in his life. I think he senses my bullshit-o-meter has been set off and tries to change the subject. Wednesday night is pub crawl night at the hostel, so I head off for a shower, try tame my unruly Anthea Turner crop and head back to the room. 1st thing I notice is that my locker key has gone AWOL.... Strange.... Lucky I hidden a spare! 2nd thing I noticed is that someone had been in my handbag and nicked all my money, about $120 and even pilfered all my change. I asked bullshit-bob if he saw anyone and he comes out with how he saw a big black guy hanging about blah blah blah... I report this to the front desk, we look through the CCTV and never saw anyone except for this guy enter the room. After this, I heard him on the phone to a friend saying how he had a warrant out for his arrest and how he had been barred from the hostel before... Say no more my sticky fingered roomy, I'm outa here!!! So I locked up my valuables in the hostel safe room and booked into a hotel for a couple of nights. Have decided I'm going to head up the cost in about 3 days now, get out of the city and onto the beach...

Tonight I'm staying at a hostel called Lucky D's and its cheep and cheerful. The reviews are pretty good and the only downside I can see so far is a lack of aircon. I have to admit, I really like staying in hostels. Mostly due to the fact that they take you out every night where you meet people in the same boat and they are generally good fun (with the exception of bullshitting theives and the great unwashed) but the majority are singing from the same hymn sheet, so all good fun. Tonight's adventures at Lucky D's is a club crawl, which I won't be doing... Might just keep a low profile and have a few in the common room. 

Adios for now xxx

Question: what do you do when a scissor happy hairdresser sets about you and gives you a hair style, channelling Jennifer Aniston 1994........ TADA!!!

Go curly! Hides all sins and fuck ups. 

Big hair for me for the next 3 months :-) x

Scalped!

Beer pong last night didn't manifest as one of the staff broke the table last week, so beer Olympics were off. Instead my night in ended with a night out at a local called the Double Duce, where the nightly  shenanigans are karaoke and riding a mechanical bull.. 

I did neither and decided to spend my time smoking fags and looking shy and mysterious. Amy almost made an appearance and there were musings about me going up and doing a Jay-Z track (Amy's idea).. Thankfully my Jedi force was strong and talks of me doing a rendition of Big Pimpin was quashed by my better judgment. Sooo... I'm outside smoking and I hear the Proclaimers blaring on the karaoke... Immediately my Spidey senses know who was behind the chanting... It was Glasgows finest, my wee Tijuana, 3 amigos...

Take it to the bridge boys... 

Da da da!,, da da da...! Da da de di dum de da da da da da da......(trying to do Proclaimers, I would walk 500 miles. Bear with me)

Unfortunately when they turned the mike towards the crowd they didn't get anyone singing back. I helped as much as I could but unless you are singing about an R&B love triangle over here, they don't want to know... Boys did good but tartan army music doesn't wash on these shores. They were later joined by a bloke in a green face suit and mask (far left) - WTF!

They were pretty freaked out by him (horses mouth). Later green man did a solo karaoke version of that REALLY annoying  song "I'm blue"... Oh the irony had us high five-ing and cuckling for days....

So next day I decided to have my barnet cut as it looks so dry it looks like I've been brushing it with a toffee apple (not my gag, nicked it from Deano... more of my beloved Glasgow banter).

Where do I start? Oh I know, let's start at me walking in asking for my split ends to be trimmed and reluctantly agreeing to an inch being cut. She showed me with her fingers, her version of an inch - I agreed. So 2 hours and 4 inches later and I'm fuming. I walk out there looking like Anthia fucking Turner! No layers I said - so she gave me layers. Not short I said, at this point she must have turned her hearing aid off... I look older than what I went in. 

I look like a right C U next Tuesday. Soooo not rock n roll! But in the States this hair is acceptable. Hate it, so I may need something drastic! I need an edgy cool hairdresser! +Conrad Andrews, where are you when I need u (deep sigh..) Ihateamericanhairdressers.fucking.com

Day 24

24 days in... Phew, where did that time go? I was just sitting here wondering how long since I boarded that transatlantic flight and can't believe its over 3 weeks already. It's amazing how easy you slip into another way of life but spend so much time stressing about taking a step into the unknown. No regrets for me so far. Got a cool quote from the book The Beach, which I found myself nodding to but it also makes me think of Thailand, a lot! 

"For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it." 

Bring on Panama!!!

So the Glasgow boys got back ok, thank goodness!. Haven't spoken to them yet but someone that works here told me they made it back. 

Well today I slept late AGAIN! need to get out of this shitty habit.. A just decided to go for lunch and a pedi. The salon I went to also offered vitamin shots, as in vitamin injections.. So I let the lady convince me that my bad sleeping habits were due to a lack of vitamin B12 & B6.. Cool!! $26 later, I've been given my shot and promised that I'm going to have limitless energy. On that note, I went back to the digs and took a nap... Zzzzzzzzzz.......

Day 25..

Woke at 9.45am, earliest yet without an alarm clock. Lying here and got a flashback of last night. Amy went grocery shopping last night.. oh dear! I take the walk of shame to the kitchen to find out what I bought while pissed.....

Not too bad personally but not very practical. 3 blocks of cheese, tortilla wraps, English muffins, 3 packets of uncooked croissant dough (she likes to bake and must have been craving carbs), load of salad stuff and fruit, which I was pleasantly surprised about.  Have decided on staying in tonight as they have a beer pong comp tonight which should be a laugh.. Unfortunately no photos for you, so I am uploading some dodgy tattoos that I found on the net. Was looking at these through my fingers. Cringe cringe cringe....

Never loose your specs again! Get them tattood on

Don't turn this rape into a murder! 

Babysitter looking for work. 

This also amused me...

Cameron fails in bid to add an extra 500 explosions to Syria

30-08-13

SYRIA’S civil war will witness slightly fewer explosions after MPs voted to keep British bombs for something else.

Syria’s fine for massive explosions at the moment

Prime minister David Cameron pleaded with MPs to back his plan to make no difference whatsoever to the Middle East’s latest bout of total and complete insanity.

But 30 Conservative backbenchers defied Mr Cameron and backed Labour’s plan to make no difference whatsoever to the Middle East’s latest bout of total and complete insanity.

Mr Cameron said: “Syria needs more explosions.”

Labour leader Ed Miliband replied: “Syria needs more chin-scratching.”

MPs on both sides then spent the next nine hours shouting ‘bombs’ and ‘chins’ at each other.

Julian Cook, professor of collateral damage at Roehampton University, said: “The Americans now face the financial burden of adding those 500 additional explosions to Syria.

“But they’ll do it because, given the opportunity, an American will always make something explode.”

Professor Cook added: “If we genuinely want to help we should hire 500 or so luxury liners to accommodate Syria’s children and sane adults. It would be like Dunkirk except the boats wouldn’t really go anywhere.

“Then we build a wall round Syria, wait until the last nutter shoots himself in the face and then the people on the ships can go home.

“Eventually we are going to have to try that.”

 

Tijuana Lady...

3.45pm and I'm on a tram to the Mexican border. You basically jump on one of these and it takes you straight there in 25mins - very bizarre. Ive befriended a couple of guys from Glasgow and they heading to Tijuana as well (small world but wouldn't want to paint it as my mum would say).. Should be fun and the Glasgow banter is flowing. Glasgow boys have the best one liner put downs. It's a recreational activity for men to constantly slag your mates in Glasgow, known locally as "pelters". Some of the one liners so far is "he so tight, only the dogs can hear him fart", followed with a rhetorical "aye, your tighter than two coats of paint mate!" - they definitely keeping me amused.  

The mexican border. Weirdly enough, no officials at the gate. Just a metal turnstile with no one at the other end. They are basically throwing you over the fence to get in there... Bizarre, very very bizarre..

7hrs later and I'm back in San Diego - phew! Not sure what to make of Tijuana.. It's defiantly a dirty town.. Gritty with sweaty wee men and women everywhere. You look down an alleyway and just see white eye reflections peering back, cartoon style. Music blares from everywhere and is a mix of euro techno that you would hear in Spain and crazy high octane salsa.

We went to a restaurant, which was also a bar, club/knocking shop all in one. The food was pretty good, the alcohol was cheep and watered down and the birds were minging.. They have this thing where a guy goes round, blowing a whistle and then forcibly grabs a dining punter, pours tequila down his neck, then holds his mouth shut with a dirty wee cloth until they swallow - it looked brutal and one of my Glasgow mates said he felt totally violated after the sordid experience! The guy came up to me, wailing on his spit ridden whistle, dirty bar cloth in hand and tried to get me in a headlock. Luckily I have ninja like reflexes and my compadre was soon put in his place (total exaggeration as I politely declined but trying to keep you all amused). Anyway, the lads wanted to go to a strip club and invited me along. I can't imagine what a Tijuana stripper looks like but I googled one and nah... 

Nasty dirty looking chiccas. I waved goodbye to the tartan army and headed back with the rest of my tour, who I nicknamed The U.N - we travelled back in silence and I kinda wished I'd have stayed out with the lads but to be honest, I was cramping their style.... 

When we all got back to the hostel EVERYONE had a shower (not together). Moral of the story... Tijuana is a dirty town and there ARE no ladies!

So right now I'm blogging from a San Diego bar and glad to be back! I've found a place which is now my local and I don't feel intimidated about going in there for a drink on my own. It's basically a cigar club called The Cuban where you can smoke and drink indoors, which is as rare as kryptonite in the state of California. I know the waitress by first name, the seats are plush leather and comfy and even the women that come here are chuffing on pne of Panamas finest hand-rolled.. It stinks but its empty and a real haven. It's heaving in San Diego tonight. All the ladies are tarted up and the guys are on heat.. This place is nirvana to me....

Heading back home now although worried about my Glasgow boys. They think they having a mad night in Sucheihall st - couldn't be further my little deep fry pizza eating friends. Tijuana is Cartel country. No place for gallous weedgies (translation for English friends is lairy Glaswegians) .. Adios amigos. im off to bed but hope my celtic brothers make it back over the border, healthy and happy! they asked me to check pn them by 1pm tomorrow. if they not back, i need to call british consulatexxx

Luck was a real lady tonight.

Woke up a bit sore as went to tattooist at 8pm and didn't leave until gone 12. Basically had a piece of work i had done a while back, altered a finished off. It wasn't all blood and ink as we chewed the fat, shot the breeze, talked about Mike Myers and his finest moments, sung a bit of Thin Lizzy, smoked copious Marlboro and drunk some beer.

Very pleased with finished results and would advise paying this guy a visit if ever in Vegas. Thanks Dan xxx a wee diamond and a cool bloke xxx

Not good at these selfy pics so apologies for dodge photo but have finished off my dominatrix piece.. The rise of the alpha female.. Grrrrr...

Had to get out of my hotel as its fully booked, due to an American version of bank holiday monday this week coming, known as Labor Day. So, booked into the Encore for a night - be rude not to! A night of luxury before I spend a week in a hostel in San Diego, dormitory  style!! Nice little gaff actually and great value compared what you would pay for one night in London for a hotel of this level. Well happy as its possibly one of the comfiest beds I've ever slept in. (Photos to follow as need to transfer them off my camera)

Ok, head off to the pool for a wee snooze in the shade and my own snorting actually woke me up! Haha... It's getting on a bit so decides to head back, get ready and get some food. I'm up early tomorrow to catch a flight so no boozie doozie tonight my friends (well does one bottle count?)...

Ok, get this. I've got my wee red gambling card from the other week, whack $20 on there, order a drink but while waiting I manage to squander the twenty. Now then, I always say I'm not a gambler but for some reason and the fact I'm waiting for my vino, I whack another score in there.... Yip u guest it!!! 

Almost a grand out! I can't fucking believe it! Ha ha... I think my wee Marky is looking down and looking after me xxx

I basically hit the jackpot, although in this town, that's actually known as a small win. Haha! I'm dancing and contemplating where I'm taking myself for dinner tonight.... 

Next day San Diego...

Well what can I say, I've been in this town 24 hours now and I love it! It reminds me of San Fran a bit. It's got a really cool vibe here, plenty of bars and restaurants and cool night life. Checked into the hostel and its clean, quirky and quite nice actually. Ive signed up for the Tijuana tour tomorrow, so that should be fun.

Just writing my blog while eating what is possibly one of the nicest bits of sushi I have ever eaten. It's called a black dragon roll and its amazing 

I'm trying to eat as much Japanese food as possible now as pilling on the pounds as they cover everything in cheese out here. Stand still long enough and yup, you guessed it, they will cover you in cheese! Last night went to Nobu. Haven't been there since me and prawn eyes went to the one in Park Lane not long after it opened (ah the memories)... I didn't go for the whole sit down meal thing, just ate bar food but it was well good and felt like the healthiest thing I've eaten all month!! No doubt I will be back to tomorrow for my black dragon roll. Konichiwa (bows head).. 

Bowling for Columbine

You know when you stay in a hotel they have these brochures aimed at tourists, offering them the delights of the city you are staying in? Well, I have such a booth back at mine and one of the brochures caught my eye. Bullets and Burgers:

Basically its a place where you can fire an uzi or set off a grenade launcher while eating a quarter pounder and downing a large sprite. I suppose there are people out there that would get a wide-on for this shit, but I'm deffo not one of them. I genuinely love the States but hate the gun laws out here, as it always makes you weary and a little uneasy. Promoting shooting an AK47, washed down with a big kahuna burger and a tasty beverage should be left to Samuel L Jackson - it shouldn't be a lunch time special! Reminds me of the whole Bowling for Columbine shit, when the media tried to pin a school shooting massacre on movies, video games and music by Marilyn Manson because his album was the last piece of music that the kids that sparked off the massacre listened to. Are people that ignorant? Bullets and Burgers??? Thats your answer right there!! If interested, here is 4mins of Manson explaining the columbine massacre and media propaganda.....  http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=NiaxzBlFgmQ&feature=related

Officially a Night Owl

It's just gone 5am and I'm still up. I've been doing late shifts back at casa del crusty, so not finishing until gone 3am some nights. Not keen on hours as it means I'm sleeping late, constantly tired and missing out on Vegas nights and mornings by the pool. In addition to this, they are short staffed, so I'm putting in the hours. Again, not to my liking. Even back home, everyone knows I hate to put in a full week, so on this note, I'm planning my great escape and thinking of heading to San Diego this week. I feel bad as they a great bunch of people and its good fun but regardless, I'm too self indulgent to be too fazed about this.... Anyhoo, off to try catch some zzzz's now. Rebooked my tattoo for 4pm tomorrow (finished results will be uploaded soon). Buenos Noches Amigos xxx

3pm next day....

Gone over to casa del, packed my bag and just waiting until the time is right to get my stuff out of there. I'm supposed to start work in 4 hours but the prospect of it is pissing me off. I'm tired, back hurts and I suppose I've had enough - the Dutchess is leaving the building. Just having a spot of lunch, then tattoo and then the great escape! 

Just had a look and over 2k hits on my blog! Yay! As long as you read, I will promise to post!!

Ok, it's now 6pm and ive got my bags out of casa del and informed them that my time is up and wrote them a sycophantically apologetic letter... Feel really bad about it but my work ethic sucks and personally what I thought was going to be a 24hr week was actually between 40-48hr week. Piss take really but hey ho.. They get to keep my $150 deposit, so onwards I go. Moved my tattoo AGAIN but only until 8pm tonight (me and tattoo artist Dan are like old war buddies now - well in my head we are). I've also booked a hostel in San Diego for the week, starting 28th. It's supposedly really cool there and near the Mexican border, so you can easily pop over to Tijuana for the nightlife. Bring it on!! Tijuana is supposedly a dirty crazy town but total fun, so I'm all over the idea like a bad dose of herpes and have been dying to visit for years now. Got this snippet from wiki: 

Many foreigners travel to Tijuana to drink and dance, buy prescription drugs, purchase bootleg brand-name clothing, timepieces, and other personal accessories found globally, as well as manufactured and hand-crafted local curiosities. Locals and regular tourists avoid hassles by visiting the clubs at Plaza Fiesta or other areas of the Zona Río without the crowds, heavy marketing, and occasional tourist misbehavior or outright lawbreaking common on the Revolución strip. However, Avenida Revolución has been known for its proliferation of nightclub shows, primarily catering to 

casual tourists. While still an entertaining town with an enjoyable atmosphere, locals and tourists alike would agree that it has lost its "anything goes" mentality which it had once acquired, a mindset that was dangerous to tourists, locals, and the tourism industry as a whole.

Tijuana is also known as the birthplace of the "Tijuana Special," which is a classic Tex-Mex dish consisting of enchiladas, rice and refried beans. This dish was popularized by Tippy's, an American Tex-Mex restaurant.

A song called Tijuana lady that I was obsessed with back in the day. Click and enjoy x

A man at work...