Happy Newyear guys!!. 2014 eh??
What delights will this year bring? Let's hope it's a blinder my friends and what better way to open up the Newyear than with a bit of satirical news... Spoiler alert!! OFF TOPIC NEWSFLASH on one of my favourite subjects!!!!! Taliban! Enjoy!!
NEWSFLASH - Taliban Insurgents, have criticised Mullah Omar's alleged "holier than Mo" attitude and lack of professionalism within the terrorist cell.
Earlier this year within the bowels of a Kandahar training camp, The Taliban was voted the world's best jihadist movements to work for, 2013 but it seems that not all insurgents agree with this accolade.
One former extreme fundamentalist who doesn't want to be named for fear of repercussions, said he was expected to separate the arms and legs from the amputee pile, while another claimed there was "no real ME time whatsoever" while employed by the group.
Another criticised the long hours which he claimed sometimes involved being oncall 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
According to an insider, the disgruntled terrorists posted their opinions on a well known Taliban chat room, DieInfidelDie.com
Although it's not all doom and gloom. The Taliban is known for offering its recruits free meals as well as various other perks including rape and pillaging. The Taliban HQ culinary team are a hardworking an innovative crew who even have their own Facebook group it seems, and the goat-head curry page has had more online hits than Lady Gaga's latest release, "Do what U want" feat R.Kelli.
Earlier this year it was revealed that Taliban interns are earning up to four virgins a year, with at least ten roles commanding double that figure, as well as a line of luxury Persian rugs and an exotic camels for their first born son.
So what did Taliban militants actually complain about?
Long working hours
Rahool Addir, a frontline fighter within the terrorist network said that he was expected to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week for at least six weeks of the year: "During on-call duty, which is around the infidel holiday of Christmas, Hanukah and Newyear, fundamentalists are responsible for keeping the service up and running, come what may. We don't have a holiday like our western enemy! For those weeks I don't leave town on the weekend", groaned Rahool as he polished his bazooka.
Another former recruit said that they were put on a strenuous performance improvement plan: "I can be out terrorising, anything between 12-14 hour days, in ALL weathers. My fingers are bloodied by the intricate detailing required to build suicide vests for local children and young female family members! I'm on my walki-talki constantly and i'm hyper aware that my performance and workmanship is being constantly monitored and sneered at by my peers. It's exhausting and totally emasculating!" he shrugs..
Lack of focus
A former intern at Taliban HQ said that there had been a "complete lack of focus" on their team while at the terror cell.
Another employee said that The Taliban did not yet have a functional infrastructure and that trying to figure out how to do "cool Sharia things" with a team of 400 morally corrupt religious fanatics is far harder than it sounds.
"Thanks to the Pakistani training camps our recruits are getting younger and we growing fast BUT we have never emphasised organisation, or stability within the workplace", he bangs his fist on the table to emphasize this point.
A young intern showing our reporters how to disassemble an AK47 at frightening speed. Even he was surprised..
A former isurgent said that this lack of focus had a big impact on the network: "Instructions were not clear, everything was a guessing game, and I was immediately set up to fail. And when I didn't perform, I was told I lacked intuition and pizazz! my wife and family were soon put to public execution to try mend my ways. It's crazy mental pressure here!!!".
Female being executed for being.... erm... female I suppose??
Not as exciting as it seems??
While The Taliban may seem an exciting terrorist cell to work for, it's not all glitz and glamour. According to one of our sources: "It was probably my worst terrorising experience to date and I've been about!
I was temporarily assigned to Helmand with very little guidance or support, serving two of the worst political fundamentalists I've ever interacted with.
The team treated me like garbage and I was asked to do really menial tasks."
Those tasks included, pounding the corridors of locals schools looking for young girls to execute and hanging about darkened alleys in the hope to catch an adulterous copulating couple. "It's boring!" claimed our source, as he rolled his eyes and turned to beat a local woman, trying to console her nursing infant.
Taliban. The internal fight goes on.....
Wouldn't be surprised if the above gets a fatwa put on my head. Hey ho!!!
Ok, let me give you an overview of where I've been living for the past month.
Lost & Found
The lost and found is a backpacker haven, nestled in the Chiriqui mountains in Northern Panama. It's a cloud forest and for those that don't know what that is, it basically means that you are level with the clouds (erm, I think there is a more technical reason but this is my reasoning..). Because of this, we have our own micro-climate and we can have several different types of weather in one day. Sometimes when it rains we can be holed up on the mountain for days as it's too tricky to try get down.
One of the key things that surprised me the most about L&F is that it's pretty remote. If you want to nip out for a pint of milk, you have to hike down the mountain and then walk for about 20mins before you hit the small town of La Mina where there is a small store with limited offerings. All in all, it will take about an hour and a half, so best come prepared, or try live on the slim pickings that they sell at the lodge.
If you want to buy more substantial fare, you will have to travel into the city of David which is abut an hours bus ride away (I will need another blog to detail the buses - an experience to say the least). Again, a day at the supermarket will mean at least a 4-5 hour round trip, not to mention, you have to hike your purchases back up to the top of the mountain (although I usually pay a local man Dario to help me).. It really makes you realise how convenient our lives are in the western world. On the upside, my quads are in terrific shape and last night I cracked a walnut with my glutemousmaximus :-)
We have a couple of cool things to keep me amused at the hostel, most of it being wildlife. We have some Olingos, Cacomistles and Capuchins that visit us daily. The little Olingo that comes daily is called One Eyed Willy, named after the famous Pirate (stop sniggering please), as like him, he's blind in one eye. He's as cute as a button and will run all over you to grab food with his little black human like hands. He's such a wee character. Then we have our own resident pet, Rocky, who lives in an enclosure at the lodge. He's a little Kinkajou and is the funniest cutest wee thing I've ever had the fortune of cuddling. Every night we will pay him a visit and take the guests into the enclosure to say hello (if he's in the mood that is). Yeah, sometimes I've gone in there and he's jumped on my head, suffocating my face with his wee furry body. He's a right little trickster and often tries to pull my shoes off, check me for flees, lick my neck (weirdo!) and tries to bite my nails, fingers, chin and nose. He absolutely loves honey, so when he is acting like a psychopath, I often appease him with a wee teaspoonful, so he can chill the fuck out. Supposedly full moons make him go a bit postal. Information I wish I was given earlier in my post. Hmmmm....
My friend Noah's hand, holding a hummingbird. He managed to bring him back from the brink of death after he was found half alive on the kitchen floor. 
An evening pic of the view of the local volcano, Vulcan Barru
Stormy night on the mountain..
I've also met some cool friends while there. I suppose I should give you a rundown on each of them, along with cheesie kodak moments but my life as a professional pisshead eclipses my role at the hostel and I doubt if I have 2 pics to rub together, of anyone I hold in any great regard. Maybe this should be a newyears resolution. Note to self...Must make more visual memories of the people I meet while travelling!
Where is the fun in that, when you have facebook and the dark world of cyberstalking at your fingertips moohahahaha (evil laugh..)..
So I've had the pleasure of hosting the lovely Sheila Dwyer and Greg Thompson over the Christmas and Newyear period. I still smile like a proud parent when I think of her little face as I sailed up to the pub in Almirante to meet her in the boat I'd hired... A big rasta man in the back navigating for me and a big lion of Zion painted on the front of the boat! This boat actually reappears later on in our journey but with a more sinister tone..... Ah the suspense eh??
So I'm currently sitting by the pool in a hotel in David, sunning myself before I head back to Lost & Found tomorrow to resume duties. I would LOVE to tell you all about Christmas and Newyear but my dear friend and fellow partner in crime Sheila-D, is going to blog this as a guest blogger! I've decided that anyone that comes out to join me, must add some input to the blog, so hopefully we should be able to give you details of the fun and frolics soon. In the meantime, here are the limited number of photos I took...
Take it away Miss Dwyer!!! xxx
