As Joan Rivers would say, "I've got shoes older than that"

Gotta love Joan Rivers. I'm a fan, totes!. I was watching a documentary one day about her life and as I'm watching it, my friend Mr CW (his showbiz name) face pops up in the audience. I almost wet myself!. At the time I was at a modelling shoot (obvs not me..) with my little cousin France's. I was so excited about seeing CW's face I burst in on her shoot, as good as elbowed the photographer out the way and shouted "oh my god, just watching the Joan Rivers movie and look who's face just exploded on my screen"! Note to self: there is a time and place for extreme exuberance Lorraine...

So, getting to the point, I took a visit to the "Old Town" with my new side kick, a lovely young lady called Sadbh from Dublin

(aka, nacho nose)... 

We get to the Old town and its lovely but if you are European, it doesn't look old, it seems a bit Disney like..

It does look like the wild wild west but kinda theme park style old. We had a really nice time though, went to a few museums and also visited the most haunted house in America...

Woooooo..

 I embarrassed myself when I asked one of the guides where her accent was from, only to be told that she was local but had a speech impediment (cringe) - I tried to redeem myself by telling her how lovely her accent was and she seamed to buy it. Phew! 

The old town itself had a massive Mexican influence so we had to sample the nachos and margaritas and weren't disappointed, especially as Sadbh doesn't usually get served as she's only 20 but fortunately they didn't request her I.D. 

We rounded up the day by visiting the sea village and polishing off 4 bottles of wine between us but had to part ways that evening as I was moving out to Pacific Beach and she was heading off to L.A in the morning. 

Safe travels my little Irish nomad! Xxx it was a good laugh xxx

Pacific Beach..

So I moved into my new hostel called California Dreams and other than the location, there is nothing dreamy about this place. It was grimski! No one spoke to each other, there were no nightly activities and everywhere was covered in a layer of dust, with the occasional pube or used plaster thrown in... I had already booked 2 nights, so first night was a late arrival and I just had a quiet one and hit the feathers.. Next day I bought a book, a beach towel and took myself down to the dunes for a snooze and some people watching. I've been away a month and still no tan, so going to kick back and get bronzed - bobby-dazzler style! 

Before we departed ways, Sadbh told me to try both the Lobster rolls (bit of dressed lobster thrown in a butter brioche bun) and the clam chowder while  down on Pacific Beach. Allegedly they are THE local specialities.. Be rude not to.. So, took myself to Joes Crab Shack -

well what can I say except humana-humana-humana... Good recommendation my little Celtic warrior princess and all washed down with a frozen piña colada... Good times!

Next day, checks out and bids that funky little dirt-hole adieu. Found another hostel about half a mile down the beach and knew immediately I was in the right place.

3 activities a day, they are overlooking the ocean and people actually say hi when they see you. The rooms are cheap but colourful and clean. Tonight's activities are, a $1 BBQ on their beach terrace, followed with goldfish racing!!! Have no idea how tonight's events are going to unfold but I'm liking the sound of it already! TBC....

Sunset

Americans don't do al'dente

Why can't I get decent bloody pasta out here? 4 pasta dishes in and I'm loosing it. At this rate I'm going to have to cook it myself (god forbid) back at the hostel. I crave al'dente pasta, maybe a linguine with crab, chilli and a light sprinkle of parmesan (drooling at food heaven). Nope! Everything I get is overcooked mushy pasta. Am I dining at the wrong places I ask myself? Well maybe.... So tonight I took myself to a place called Toscana. Sounds Italian..Touch! Had a look at the menu and they boast homemade pasta cooked al'dente... Ok, I'm in. Ordered a cheeky seafood ravioli, dish arrives, maybe a little too much sauce but looks good! So, first mouthful and it sticks to my fucking teeth! WTF! What's going on over here with the pasta? Then the question entered my head (lets call it an epiphany)..."is there such a thing as, American al'dente?". The question has been knawing away at me.. The only way to solve this mystical riddle is to get an American vs European to take part in a blind folded pasta-Pepsi challenge. In the meantime, I'll be pasta dodging as its giving me the right camel! Funny thing is, prawn eyes said to me my blog is slowly turning into a food blog... Erm and your point is? If old shoe-face Gordon Ramsey can make it over here, why not the Lola? 

Next week i'll be doing a feature on Artichokes and 7 different ways to cook them. How'd you like that my crustacean eyed friend? 

Today took myself to the Balboa park (as in Rocky Balboa) and it was lovely. They have heaps of museums, a zoo, art galleries and stunning grounds and buildings:

Inside the botanical gardens

So after a wee mooch I decided to go to the zoo. 

Take my photo and make it snappy...

A wee swimming turtle

An illuminated snake vertebrae.. Allegedly they have a 2 headed snake at the zoo and I was desperately trying to track it down. No luck but I love that shit... Give me a choice between a panda or a 2 headed viper and the viper wins, heads down (no pun intended)... 

So so beautiful. Shame they are man eaters as you just want to snuggle with them... 

Flamingos. Stunning creatures..

Arrrggghhh.. Luckily there was glass separating us. Scary!

Dung beetles. Allegedly these guys really know their shit... Phah ha ha ha ( you know I love my own jokes)..

Just in case you can't make out what the 3 pics above are, it's a monkey having a fight with an otter - I KID YOU NOT!!! It was hilarious.. Unfortunately I couldn't get a decent shot, due to a fat kid with a massive head, squeezing me out the picture. Seriously funny tho.. The otter was proper giving it to the monkey and the monkey got the otters tail and bit it.. I was crying.. 

I spent 4 hours in that zoo and loved it. I'm not usually a big advocate of zoos but they actually rescue a lot of abused animals. I was sad to hear that some of them are rescued from markets for bush meat! Mmmm... Marinated Mandrill... (I joke of course).. 

So tonight is pub crawl back at Lucky D's. I took part and it was an ok night. I was shattered as walked loads, so not a late one for me.. Night xxx

Some news below to keep you amused:

Science is fanny central, claims Professor Brian Cox

TOP scientists are nailing a load of fanny, according to dance-pop physicist Brian Cox.

Spiral galaxies will make women prowl around naked on all fours, says Cox

The TV professor believes there is still a preconception that science experts are unlikely to enjoy large amounts of debauched consequence-free sex with saucy girls from every corner of the globe.

Professor Cox said: “The amount of fanny I’m getting is mental.

“And I say that as someone who’s used to thinking of things on a quantum scale. Seriously, I’m quite at home with the vastness of the universe, time, space etc. but if I start thinking about the sheer volume of hairy pie I’m tucking into, it properly does my head in.

“The truth is, if you can give a clear and succinct explanation of holographic principle or gravity waves or any of that shit while looking a drunk girl right in the eye and occasionally touching her hair, you’re good to go. The punani express has pulled into the station and all you need to do is jump aboard.”

Cox also revealed details of a particularly licentious trip to the Large Hadron Collider with Professor Stephen Hawking.

“There was at least 50 science sluts who just jumped out from behind one of the massive quadrupole magnets that are integral to the particle acceleration process, flashing their tits and wearing ‘Large Hardon InsideHer’ t-shirts, which Stephen in particular thought was very cheeky.

“They were proper filth. Let’s just say, we took them back to the Holiday Inn and filled them full of genetic material.”

He added: “The next afternoon I woke up and the room was trashed, Steve was on the floor naked except for his glasses, covered in sick and with toothpaste in his hair. His chair, which is really expensive, was floating in the swimming pool all smashed up.

“That night I delivered a paper on stochastic growth of quantum fluctuations to the Royal Institution, and I had to have a bucket by the podium because I kept spewing.”

Extradited!

Aware I haven't blogged for a few days, so giving you all the run down of affairs since Wednesday. 

Well, I've become a bit of a bum and been slipping into a slower pace since I've been in San Diego. I have been skulking around a couple of streets in the Gas Lamp Quarter for the past week and haven't really explored at all. Just been meeting people and having fun. So, I decides to book a tour to La Jolla which is an affluent seaside town in North San Diego, with beautiful coastlines and heaps of wildlife crawling around the shores..  

Chunky little seals

I think these are pelicans or something?

Viewpoint of downtown San Diego with Mexico in the distance...

La Jolla Coves

Panoramic shots... 

So head back to the digs only to find that all of my belongings have been moved out of my room and into the storage room (they thought i had moved out) and someone new has moved in and is my bed. Grrrr.... He introduces himself as TJ and advises me that he's a DJ and is here for a festival in San Diego. I get chatting to him about his DJ'ing and come to the conclusion that he's a bullshitter and never been near a set of decks in his life. I think he senses my bullshit-o-meter has been set off and tries to change the subject. Wednesday night is pub crawl night at the hostel, so I head off for a shower, try tame my unruly Anthea Turner crop and head back to the room. 1st thing I notice is that my locker key has gone AWOL.... Strange.... Lucky I hidden a spare! 2nd thing I noticed is that someone had been in my handbag and nicked all my money, about $120 and even pilfered all my change. I asked bullshit-bob if he saw anyone and he comes out with how he saw a big black guy hanging about blah blah blah... I report this to the front desk, we look through the CCTV and never saw anyone except for this guy enter the room. After this, I heard him on the phone to a friend saying how he had a warrant out for his arrest and how he had been barred from the hostel before... Say no more my sticky fingered roomy, I'm outa here!!! So I locked up my valuables in the hostel safe room and booked into a hotel for a couple of nights. Have decided I'm going to head up the cost in about 3 days now, get out of the city and onto the beach...

Tonight I'm staying at a hostel called Lucky D's and its cheep and cheerful. The reviews are pretty good and the only downside I can see so far is a lack of aircon. I have to admit, I really like staying in hostels. Mostly due to the fact that they take you out every night where you meet people in the same boat and they are generally good fun (with the exception of bullshitting theives and the great unwashed) but the majority are singing from the same hymn sheet, so all good fun. Tonight's adventures at Lucky D's is a club crawl, which I won't be doing... Might just keep a low profile and have a few in the common room. 

Adios for now xxx

Question: what do you do when a scissor happy hairdresser sets about you and gives you a hair style, channelling Jennifer Aniston 1994........ TADA!!!

Go curly! Hides all sins and fuck ups. 

Big hair for me for the next 3 months :-) x

Scalped!

Beer pong last night didn't manifest as one of the staff broke the table last week, so beer Olympics were off. Instead my night in ended with a night out at a local called the Double Duce, where the nightly  shenanigans are karaoke and riding a mechanical bull.. 

I did neither and decided to spend my time smoking fags and looking shy and mysterious. Amy almost made an appearance and there were musings about me going up and doing a Jay-Z track (Amy's idea).. Thankfully my Jedi force was strong and talks of me doing a rendition of Big Pimpin was quashed by my better judgment. Sooo... I'm outside smoking and I hear the Proclaimers blaring on the karaoke... Immediately my Spidey senses know who was behind the chanting... It was Glasgows finest, my wee Tijuana, 3 amigos...

Take it to the bridge boys... 

Da da da!,, da da da...! Da da de di dum de da da da da da da......(trying to do Proclaimers, I would walk 500 miles. Bear with me)

Unfortunately when they turned the mike towards the crowd they didn't get anyone singing back. I helped as much as I could but unless you are singing about an R&B love triangle over here, they don't want to know... Boys did good but tartan army music doesn't wash on these shores. They were later joined by a bloke in a green face suit and mask (far left) - WTF!

They were pretty freaked out by him (horses mouth). Later green man did a solo karaoke version of that REALLY annoying  song "I'm blue"... Oh the irony had us high five-ing and cuckling for days....

So next day I decided to have my barnet cut as it looks so dry it looks like I've been brushing it with a toffee apple (not my gag, nicked it from Deano... more of my beloved Glasgow banter).

Where do I start? Oh I know, let's start at me walking in asking for my split ends to be trimmed and reluctantly agreeing to an inch being cut. She showed me with her fingers, her version of an inch - I agreed. So 2 hours and 4 inches later and I'm fuming. I walk out there looking like Anthia fucking Turner! No layers I said - so she gave me layers. Not short I said, at this point she must have turned her hearing aid off... I look older than what I went in. 

I look like a right C U next Tuesday. Soooo not rock n roll! But in the States this hair is acceptable. Hate it, so I may need something drastic! I need an edgy cool hairdresser! +Conrad Andrews, where are you when I need u (deep sigh..) Ihateamericanhairdressers.fucking.com

Day 24

24 days in... Phew, where did that time go? I was just sitting here wondering how long since I boarded that transatlantic flight and can't believe its over 3 weeks already. It's amazing how easy you slip into another way of life but spend so much time stressing about taking a step into the unknown. No regrets for me so far. Got a cool quote from the book The Beach, which I found myself nodding to but it also makes me think of Thailand, a lot! 

"For mine is a generation that circles the globe and searches for something we haven't tried before. So never refuse an invitation, never resist the unfamiliar, never fail to be polite and never outstay the welcome. Just keep your mind open and suck in the experience. And if it hurts, you know what? It's probably worth it." 

Bring on Panama!!!

So the Glasgow boys got back ok, thank goodness!. Haven't spoken to them yet but someone that works here told me they made it back. 

Well today I slept late AGAIN! need to get out of this shitty habit.. A just decided to go for lunch and a pedi. The salon I went to also offered vitamin shots, as in vitamin injections.. So I let the lady convince me that my bad sleeping habits were due to a lack of vitamin B12 & B6.. Cool!! $26 later, I've been given my shot and promised that I'm going to have limitless energy. On that note, I went back to the digs and took a nap... Zzzzzzzzzz.......

Day 25..

Woke at 9.45am, earliest yet without an alarm clock. Lying here and got a flashback of last night. Amy went grocery shopping last night.. oh dear! I take the walk of shame to the kitchen to find out what I bought while pissed.....

Not too bad personally but not very practical. 3 blocks of cheese, tortilla wraps, English muffins, 3 packets of uncooked croissant dough (she likes to bake and must have been craving carbs), load of salad stuff and fruit, which I was pleasantly surprised about.  Have decided on staying in tonight as they have a beer pong comp tonight which should be a laugh.. Unfortunately no photos for you, so I am uploading some dodgy tattoos that I found on the net. Was looking at these through my fingers. Cringe cringe cringe....

Never loose your specs again! Get them tattood on

Don't turn this rape into a murder! 

Babysitter looking for work. 

This also amused me...

Cameron fails in bid to add an extra 500 explosions to Syria

30-08-13

SYRIA’S civil war will witness slightly fewer explosions after MPs voted to keep British bombs for something else.

Syria’s fine for massive explosions at the moment

Prime minister David Cameron pleaded with MPs to back his plan to make no difference whatsoever to the Middle East’s latest bout of total and complete insanity.

But 30 Conservative backbenchers defied Mr Cameron and backed Labour’s plan to make no difference whatsoever to the Middle East’s latest bout of total and complete insanity.

Mr Cameron said: “Syria needs more explosions.”

Labour leader Ed Miliband replied: “Syria needs more chin-scratching.”

MPs on both sides then spent the next nine hours shouting ‘bombs’ and ‘chins’ at each other.

Julian Cook, professor of collateral damage at Roehampton University, said: “The Americans now face the financial burden of adding those 500 additional explosions to Syria.

“But they’ll do it because, given the opportunity, an American will always make something explode.”

Professor Cook added: “If we genuinely want to help we should hire 500 or so luxury liners to accommodate Syria’s children and sane adults. It would be like Dunkirk except the boats wouldn’t really go anywhere.

“Then we build a wall round Syria, wait until the last nutter shoots himself in the face and then the people on the ships can go home.

“Eventually we are going to have to try that.”

 

Tijuana Lady...

3.45pm and I'm on a tram to the Mexican border. You basically jump on one of these and it takes you straight there in 25mins - very bizarre. Ive befriended a couple of guys from Glasgow and they heading to Tijuana as well (small world but wouldn't want to paint it as my mum would say).. Should be fun and the Glasgow banter is flowing. Glasgow boys have the best one liner put downs. It's a recreational activity for men to constantly slag your mates in Glasgow, known locally as "pelters". Some of the one liners so far is "he so tight, only the dogs can hear him fart", followed with a rhetorical "aye, your tighter than two coats of paint mate!" - they definitely keeping me amused.  

The mexican border. Weirdly enough, no officials at the gate. Just a metal turnstile with no one at the other end. They are basically throwing you over the fence to get in there... Bizarre, very very bizarre..

7hrs later and I'm back in San Diego - phew! Not sure what to make of Tijuana.. It's defiantly a dirty town.. Gritty with sweaty wee men and women everywhere. You look down an alleyway and just see white eye reflections peering back, cartoon style. Music blares from everywhere and is a mix of euro techno that you would hear in Spain and crazy high octane salsa.

We went to a restaurant, which was also a bar, club/knocking shop all in one. The food was pretty good, the alcohol was cheep and watered down and the birds were minging.. They have this thing where a guy goes round, blowing a whistle and then forcibly grabs a dining punter, pours tequila down his neck, then holds his mouth shut with a dirty wee cloth until they swallow - it looked brutal and one of my Glasgow mates said he felt totally violated after the sordid experience! The guy came up to me, wailing on his spit ridden whistle, dirty bar cloth in hand and tried to get me in a headlock. Luckily I have ninja like reflexes and my compadre was soon put in his place (total exaggeration as I politely declined but trying to keep you all amused). Anyway, the lads wanted to go to a strip club and invited me along. I can't imagine what a Tijuana stripper looks like but I googled one and nah... 

Nasty dirty looking chiccas. I waved goodbye to the tartan army and headed back with the rest of my tour, who I nicknamed The U.N - we travelled back in silence and I kinda wished I'd have stayed out with the lads but to be honest, I was cramping their style.... 

When we all got back to the hostel EVERYONE had a shower (not together). Moral of the story... Tijuana is a dirty town and there ARE no ladies!

So right now I'm blogging from a San Diego bar and glad to be back! I've found a place which is now my local and I don't feel intimidated about going in there for a drink on my own. It's basically a cigar club called The Cuban where you can smoke and drink indoors, which is as rare as kryptonite in the state of California. I know the waitress by first name, the seats are plush leather and comfy and even the women that come here are chuffing on pne of Panamas finest hand-rolled.. It stinks but its empty and a real haven. It's heaving in San Diego tonight. All the ladies are tarted up and the guys are on heat.. This place is nirvana to me....

Heading back home now although worried about my Glasgow boys. They think they having a mad night in Sucheihall st - couldn't be further my little deep fry pizza eating friends. Tijuana is Cartel country. No place for gallous weedgies (translation for English friends is lairy Glaswegians) .. Adios amigos. im off to bed but hope my celtic brothers make it back over the border, healthy and happy! they asked me to check pn them by 1pm tomorrow. if they not back, i need to call british consulatexxx