Panama baby

Touch down baby!!! 

Yip, I'm here. No more fannying about. I'm now a REAL foreigner with limited language skills, no geographical knowledge except for what I've read on lonely planet and I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm totally out of my comfort zone.. I'm going to miss the States. They have nursed me through my first 3 months of travelling and turned me into a porker in the process, due to their delicious junk food (mainly chilli-cheese-fries and cinnamon rolls).. and cheap wine! Yummy.. 

The first thing I noticed about Panama was the heat. It's not stifling or pathetically hot but it HAS to be the most humid place I've been. If I open my balcony door, the whole room fills with condensation like I've been in a hot shower. If I use my iPad or iPhone outside, the screen steams up. Even if I put on my sunglasses, I look like a sweaty pervert as my Glasses fog over within seconds! It's weird!

My mirror after leaving the door open for a min

So while in Panama City I've done the expected, Panama Canal, Casco Viejo (the old town), bit of shopping for outdoor wear, a visit to the Amador causeway and even managed to go to a few nature reserves to see the beloved sloths - possibly the cutest mammal alive ... 

First sloth I spotted

The Panama Canal

The Amador Causeway

Casco Viejo

My hand next to a critter, so you can visualise the actual scale - yikes!!!

Rather large Iguana going for a stroll

My guide Kevin

Dinner time for the Panama City raccoons.

Ok, so educational facts ala'Lola....

Panama Canal

This is what I've gathered so far:

It's man made and initially started by the French in 1880 but they made a balls up and after 13 years trying to build it, it went pears. Mainly due to the fact they tried to build it the same level as sea level. Supposedly the soil is clay, so this wasn't possible as the land kept capsizing and the French where too incompetent in this arena to sort it out 😳! The other key issue was disease and they reckon about 20k people died from malaria and yellow fever and other tropical lergy. 

After this embarrassingly epic fuckup, the Americans took the lead (1904) but took a different strategy. They decided to build the canal with Locks, as opposed to sea level and spent years on research on the engineering concepts and disease control.. They nailed it basically (girlie swots). 

Key facts

• Amount of money spunked by the French $260,000,000
• Amount United States paid French for their rights and property $40,000,000 
• Canal Zone acquired by U.S. from Panama by treaty February 23, 1904
• Amount United States paid Panama for Canal Zone $10,000,000
• Date of official opening August 15, 1914
• A boat traveling from New York to San Francisco saves 7,872 miles by using the Panama Canal instead of going around Cape Horn.
• Length of Canal from Atlantic to Pacific 51 miles & Width 10 miles
• Time to transit Canal 8-10 hours
• Number of ships crossing daily 40
• Estimated cost of the Panama Canal built by U.S.  $375,000,000
• Toll charge for Disney Magic cruise ship in 2008 $313,200
• Estimated cost for expansion of the Panama Canal $5.25 billion
• Estimated year of completion of expansion 2014 (pigs will fly)

Why bother? Well, it's the only transit to get a boat from one end of the Americas to the other. If boats where to take "the scenic route" and go round the land, it would take them an additional month and 8,000 miles, at extreme cost. 

In the year 2000, the USA handed back the control of the canal to Panama but the initial passing this through senate (back in 1978 I think??) was not popular. General consensus was "we built it and paid for it, it's ours" hey ho, it's back under Panama control. Nice American neighbours eh? 

Ah, a history if the world according to Lorraine, hahah. Hope I haven't bored you too much?? Xxx

Lost & Found

Sooo, Ive now been holed up in the jungle for almost 3 weeks at a jungle lodge called Lost & Found. I am currently volunteering here, helping to check in guests, keeping the communial areas clean and help advise guests of local trails and tours of the area. Have to admit, I really like it here but damn, it's way way way out of my comfort zone. First issue BUGS and they are bugs of prehistoric proportion! I have seen some absolute corkers since I've been here and for some reason, the little shits sense my fear and usually target me as either a running blood buffet or as a landing pad. Saying that, some are amazingly beautiful and come in amazing colours and patterns but regardless, I would rather admire at a distance!!

Second issue LOCATION - the lodge is situated in the jungle at the top of the mountain, so even "popping out" for a pint of milk needs a degree in orientation and quad muscles of pure steel. It's a 15 min uphill hike to the lodge, which is doubled if you are carrying groceries or anything of any weight.

Third issue is WEATHER!! It's a cloud/rain forest, so the weather is very unpredictable and when it rains, it rains. It got so bad at one point that we couldn't leave the mountain for days, due to torrential rain and poor visibility! 

Those are the negatives and to be honest, it's a very small price to pay, as the positive certainly outwiegh the negatives. 

There are some cool people here at the lodge, spectacular views of the Panamanian mountains and Volcano. The wildlife is amazing and on a daily basis we are visited by humming birds, capuchin monkeys, cacomistles, olingos and not to mention stunning tropical birds who gather in abundance at the outdoor showers in the morning - it's pretty cool.

I'm going to detail the lodge and my time here in the next blog (promise to issue within the next few days) in more details as there is too much to detail at once.

So until then, it's adios from Jungle Jane, reporting from no mans land!!! 

Never eat a Polar bears liver

It's a question I know that has perplexed the best of us for many years "What would happen if I ate a Polar Bears liver?". Lots of people nodding their head in agreement I can sense.... 

Anyway, being on the road means that I like to fill myself with useless information from the super information highway and this one came up..

Well the answer is NO, don't eat it, put the fork down. i don't care if its smothered in bacon and onions, served with a buttery colcannon and gravy, it will kill you and here is why:

The native peoples of the Arctic have never shied away from cooking up some polar bear stew, but they've long known to avoid eating the livers of various arctic creatures. Western explorers, however, learned the hard way. As early as 1596, explorers returned to Europe with accounts of horrible illnesses resulting from the consumption of polar bear liver .

Illness severity depended on how much liver the explorers consumed, but symptoms typically included drowsiness, sluggishness, irritability, severe headache, bone pain, blurred vision and vomiting. Perhaps the most horrific symptom they encountered was peeling skin. While milder cases merely involved flaking around the mouth, some accounts reported cases of full-body skin loss. Even the thick skin on the bottoms of a patient's feet could peel away, leaving the underlying flesh bloody and exposed. The worst cases ended in liver damage, hemorrhage, coma and death.

These explorers suffered from acute hypervitaminosis A, a condition resulting from the overconsumption of vitamin A during a short period of time. The polar bear's liver, much like those of arctic seals and huskies, contains extremely high levels of retinol (the form of vitamin A found in members of the animal kingdom).

Fascinating bit of triv eh, but were you thinking what I was thinking?? Who was the fat bastard that ate so much bear liver that he could peel his feet like a satsuma, until he gradually lapsed into a coma and died. By the sounds of it, they were probably happy to be rid of him!!. Seriously! No one needs a total gannet while on an artic expedition. Especially when food is so scarce you have resorted to eating the offal from an endangered species.. Just saying guys ;-)  

Anyway, had a bit of R&R time with my buddy Shaney out in Sarasota. Well I say R&R - it was fucking carnage as we both drink like fishes and lets just say, he's a thirstier fish than me. First night was "just a quiet one", 3 double gins, 3 glasses of wine, followed by a 2 litre bottle of white zinfandel, then washed down by 2 bottles of Sauvignon Blanc, followed by a couple of LARGE vodkas and lime.. carnage!!

I didn't actually get a photo of Shane and I together, so here is one we made earlier at old Prawn eyes 40th birthday.. 

God bless him, he still managed to get up for work the next day but after a half day at the office, he came back, took me out to breakfast and I ate about a skidmark of scrambled egg before I threw the towel in. Not to mention, I'm still unwell and in dire need of antibiotics. Sounds like I've got whooping cough a close relative to Marge Simpson - nasty! Anyway, after brunch, we go back to Shane's, have a little snooze and decided on another "quiet one". 

So we went to the local Italian arounf 9.30pm, had a bottle of wine, 2 courses and a few back at the Thirsty Turtle (Shane's local).. Got a cab back and we were home by a respectable 12.30 ("quiet one"). Early night yeah? WRONG!! When back, we decide to polish off that gargantuan bottle of fancy vodka he had situated on the top of the fridge and only headed off to bed because the sun was coming up and we were running low on Marlborough.. His neighbours must have loved us, partying out on the balcony, listening to guilty pleasures such as Wham, Beyonce, Kate Bush & Springsteen. Hilarious!! 

I saw this little dude trying to cross the road, so jumped out of the car and moved him onto the grass. Anyway, about an hour later we drive back to Shane's and we see this little dude trying to cross the dual carriage way. It was horrible!! Lucky enough, people were driving round him but they were going at a speed. All you needed was some skittery old dude and he would be a goner.. I couldn't look, it was too distressing but also too dangerous to try save him.. 

Shane lives in a beautiful part of the world and on Sunday he showed me round town, including a trip to the beach which has some cute little bars and restaurants dotted round.

The beach was gorgeous, all white powdery sands, water like turquoise glass and a smattering of hot guys just for good measure (always a bonus). We then went to a place called St Armard circle

for cocktails and I totally fell in love. its a mix of little colourful boutique shops (selling some right dodgy outfits), beautiful little restaurants and some lovely cocktails bars, which we took full advantage of..

We rounded off the night at a restaurant called Longhorns for a juicy steak and then headed back to the Thirsty Turtle to finish what we started Friday.. Good times but as you can imagine, the next day I was as sick as a parrot and had to catch my flight to Panama. Cutting a long story short, I missed my flight :-( so they moved me onto the next one, which was the following day. To be honest, I welcomed this, as I was in no fit state to travel to a foreign country and navigate round Panama City on my own. Not to mention, my hangover paranoia was off the hook.. 

So next day I'm on the plane, heading to Panama City. Got chatting to a lovely wee man sitting next to me from Idaho. We were getting on swimmingly until he told me that he hates Californians (fair enough, each to their own, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, yeah?)... He then proceeded to tell me he wouldn't give a shit if it dropped into the Ocean and wiped them all out (erm..ok, bit harsh mate but freedom of speech and all that jazz). THEN he highlighted "especially what goes on up in that San Francisco area" and actually screwed up his face, like I'd just given him a ripe Dirty Sanchez!!.  Well, the shutters came down on him instantly after that. He got "The Look" and the headphones got whacked on (I just wish I could do that raised one eyebrow trick like my mum and uncle Stephen... Hmmm) - subtlety has never been my strong point - fact! and he was feeling it!.. Fucking Nazi's.. They live among us and cunningly disguised as cute wee old men - clever bloody bastards ain't they???!!! Be warned guys... They walk among us....

Anyhoo

OK, I'LL ADMIT IT.. I'm missing my little sis LOADS.. Just thinking about some of her funny quotes and reactions to thing makes me chuckle and pine for her. For instance, just before our Marilyn Manson Halloween extravaganza, we were having lunch. Conversation goes like this:

Kathleen: "What is Marilyn Manson real name?"

Me: "Brian"

Kathleen: (immediately starts choking on her food, face starts going purple and basically doing one of those hysterical silent laughs)

Me: "what?"

K: (in hysterics and has tears) "well that's kinda killed the moment eh???"

Basically we did not stop laughing for 10 whole days. It was great!. So nice to have someone (other than yourself) that gets your jokes. I'm famously known for LOVING my own jokes and usually laugh the loudest. WELL, Kathleen is the same, if not worse, although sometimes she doesn't even get to the punch line before erupting into a fit of irrational hysterics. Lol!

We both missed the parents though and wished they would have been there to share the experience. They would have loved our little adventure.

God I love that kid.. x

So Panama.. 

Verdict so far is, I thought it would have been more 3rd world but it actually seems to be quite affluent (although not massively). The people are über friendly, the climate is über hot & humid and so far, everything is über cheap. It's so humid here that when I open my door in the morning to have a ciggy outside, by the time I go back inside, all the mirrors in the room have steamed up like I've just had a lava bath.. The weather is crazy odd but from what I've seen so far, it's beautiful and I'm still in the capital, which is the least beautiful part. I've seen some cool wildlife so far but keeping you guys on ice until my next post. but until then, i saw my first wild Sloth

Oh, just in case I forget, I've created a new invention that I wish to share with you guys.. 

Basically, I like steak and mash potato and always order my steak medium, BUT sometimes it comes back a bit too bloody. The dilemma I have is that when I cut into my steak, my plate is covered in blood and my mash turns pink and I won't eat it. Tonight, I had the same dilemma. I ordered medium but it came out medium rare (grrrr). So THIS TIME I built a mash potato dam (about 6" long and about 0.5" wide) around my mashed spud!! This worked a treat!,, I could cut away into the meat with gay abandon without worrying that my potato will be contamited with bovine blood. I'm thinking about approaching the Dragons Den with my new Brain Child..it's cunningly named "The Mash Moat".. You heard it here first kids x

Adios me amigos xxx

Achoo...

Sods law!! Little sis touches down in L.A, got my birthday plans and itinerary for the week and only come down with a bug.. Got the sweats, sore throat, running nose and a cough that sounds like I should be entombed in an iron lung - an embarrassing chesty cough that erupts into action as soon as laugh and leaves me purple and out of breath - good times!! I have tried not to let this nasty little critter/bug/infection get to me and for Kathleens sake, i have tried to soldier on, although I am exhausted. 

It's Kathleen's first time in a hostel and I think she liked it. In fact, let me just ask her and I can reiterate in her own words:

Me: Kathleen, what was your impression before you went to the hostel - what were you expecting?

K: ah don't know, em... I don't know, em.. I thought I would be sharing with 40 other people in bunk beds.. Erm, are you writing this down for your blog??

Me: Yes

Me: Did you enjoy staying there? 

K: (embarrassed, she nods head and start eating cold Chinese food)...

Well, that's the end of that convo then. :-)

Well so far we have spent 3 nights in West Hollywood, 2 nights Venice Beach, 1 night Santa Monica and I am now sitting on a bus heading back to Vegas (seriously).. We have 3 nights there before Kathleen heads back to Blighty (sad face)... Been such a good laugh but has just flown in. Highlights so far have been:

1) Both of us being picked on my a comedian at a comedy show and Amy taking offence and telling him that she would "fuck him up".. YIP!!! I was a hares breath from taking the mike off him and asking the audience why you should never steal a Mexicans cheese... To be honest, I think I'm funnier and can do a better job and I think he knew it (famous last words of a heckler).

2) Birthday celebrations at Universal Studios. Funniest part of the day was when we both went to the Haunted House. It was hysterical and really REALLY scary. Kathleen actually run face into a wall trying to get away from a werewolf, then she ran into a woman, head butted her and the woman bit Kathleen's skull on impact. I was absolutely pissing myself.. I got so frightened at one point, I was like laughing/crying/panicking and ran off with only one shoe on - it was so funny but no way I would do that shit again. Terrifying!!

Bates motel with Hooville in the background! Ace!!

This was the backdrop in the King Kong movie

The plane crash in War of the Worlds...

3) Popping out for a "quiet drink" in Venice Beach, then befriending some locals. Flashback include being in some kind of prohibition style club, going back to some birds house and rolling about her floor with her dogs, clubbing at a crazy Halloween night where everyone was in costume, talking to the guy from the movie knocked up (well, Amy thought it was him) and going to bed minging at 6.30am on the day of check out! Here are some snapshots I found on my phone next day...

Victoria Beckham on a bike ride down Venice

One for the money..

Spooky DJ Booth

Erm... Okaaayyy... Can't believe I actually brazenly snapped away at them. Sheesh!!

4) Hiring out a couple of cruisers and biking round Venice and Marina Del Ray, while listening to my sis squealing in delight for being reacquainted with her childhood.

5) And last but not least, my favorite thing of all, is what happened in Vegas...

So far, we have accomplished 2 hangovers out of 7days which is pretty good going. Lets see what Vegas will bring...

Vegas baby

So I show Kathleen how to play the slots and within 20mins I'm over $100 up.. Easy money again! By the end of our trip, I am over $400 up again.. Little sis has had a few flutters and got a few quid. All in all we both up. 

By shear chance we hear that there is a Halloween party at Belagio hosted by (drum roll please)...... Tada!! The one and only Marlyn Manson!! I think I almost passed out and made it my mission to get into this place - if anyone can blag it, its The Lola - So after a few hours of phoning and emailing, I've tracked down the organiser and managed to wangle a table for 2 for the night. He loved my shit and told us not to wait in line, to come to the front and he will take us down to the party. I obviously high fived myself after this little accomplishment, dropped to me knees while doing an air grab! Happy isn't the word.. Now, what to wear?? 

Decided not to go in full costume but just to nail the makeup. I've decided on vampire - not very imaginative but effective. Kathleen is doing half face skeleton... Good times!

The finished results look a bit like this:

The gig itself. We are VIP!! Yay!! We have a bouncer

We met so many people and Kathleen was being chatted up by the drummer from Pantera. I didn't realise until the next day who he was. I just thought he was a random bloke dressed up to look like Lemmy 

Vinnie Paul from Pantera

Lemmy - uncanny eh??

After Kathleen leaves, it's time for me to leave the USA and head to Panama. My friend Shane lives in Florida, so I have decided to fly to Panama from there, so I can see him for a few days. Most flights to Panama from LAX connect in Florida, so 2 birds, 1 stone... Looking forward to seeing his face!! 

In the meantime, here is some breaking news from the world of online gaming:

New Call of Duty game to be based on TA

THE new Call of Duty game will focus on the exploits of the Territorial Army, developers have revealed.

Mike must deliver a high impact presentation

In a departure from the usual special forces scenario, players take the role of a part-time soldier whose main job is doing marketing for a bathroom fittings company in Stevenage.

Infinity Ward developer Stephen Malley said: “Our challenge with Call of Duty is to keep each game fresh and different. And you don’t get more different than being a marketing executive called Mike.

“Gameplay accurately mimics Mike’s schedule, with most of your time spent going to meetings and preparing brochures about taps, shower rails and backlit shaving mirrors.

“Key objectives include successful flirtation with female colleagues and convincing Mike’s line manager to let him leave early because he’s got to yomp across Exmoor.

“There’s a also a particularly tough section where Mike has to navigate Spaghetti Junction to get to BathExpo 2013 at Birmingham NEC.

“The military action kicks in at weekends, when Mike attends training camps where he practises marching and goes on field exercises, which culminate in a few pints at a pub.

Gaming journalist Tom Logan said: “The section where you go on a five-mile route march in the Brecon Beacons is so realistic you can practically smell the Savlon you’re putting on a nasty blister.”

Round 2 in Sin City..

Touchdown... Took about 12 hours from when I woke until I arrived back here in Nevada.. First thing I did when I got here was go get myself some proper food. I've been living like a vagrant for the past few weeks and been dining out on the offerings of the local Chevron Gas station, which has been slim pickings to say the least. Tonight I dined on roast chicken, mash potato and a massive bowl of asparagus... I think that is the first bit of veg I've eaten for weeks, not unless you count salsa?? Still sad to say goodbye to the Maui crew and the Bungalow but nothing is forever and I suppose the downside to travelling, is moving on and saying goodbye.... Rolling stone and all that shiz, so can't get too emoshe about it.. 

I found an article on some travel site, about that Hippy Beach in Maui.. Whoevere wrote this obviously takes this beach WAY to seriously. Chill Winston...

"Healing space cleanses the body, mind and will free the spirit.  Located between what once were once sacred Hawaiian heiau/temples dedicated to the ocean and whales this is one of the great beaches of the world.   Aliens from other worlds come to experience the power of spiritual triangulation created by the vortex at Pu'u Ola'i.  The baby island off in the distance, the whale island.. create a unique place on the planet Earth.  The pahu drum opens the portals and send out the message of peace and natural balance at sunset as solstice and the spirit leaves the body. 

Morning yoga on the beach will welcomes the sun god and honors the goddess Pele of the volcano who is mother of Maui.  Surfing is the sport of Hawaiian chiefs.. it is dancing on the waves and being one with nature.. it is the hula of the ocean. Remove all things connected to western civilization beginning with clothes, $150 swimsuits are worth nothing here.. simply swimming naked first time visitors come to understand the first level of Hawaiian healing energy  giving yourself completely to nature... once south Maui was a destination for free thinking organic artistic souls, this is now the last cove as over development and greed, destruction of native culture by American mainlanders who try to make Makena Newport Beach.  Japan lost the war but buys the land and now Chinese will conspire to steal the land of the kanaka and pave paradise so enjoy it while it exists before there is a Taco Bell on the temples.

 

No toilets so do your business at Big Beach at the parking lot.  Pick up your trash and any left behind by less considerate as this is a cradle of the humpback whales and temple of the gods.  

There is a Sunday drum circle naked firedancers and old hippies making for an exotic experience dancing at sunset in the waves. As you leave turn and say Mahalo closing your personal portal of heailng a session of enlightenment and peace.. and respecting natures gift of the Hawaiian gods."

Erm, anyhoo, I've got a king bed tonight and I aim to sleep like a starfish in this air-conned utopia. Tomorrow the lads arrive, so will be firing on full cylinders then.. As for now - Buenos noches me amigos xx

The Eagles Have Landed 

After an amazing nights sleep (about 11 hours, yawn), my amigos have landed and we all meet at Tods pub for lunch, bubbles and chat. It's great to see Chris and Cort again and they have brought their friends James and Ari.. This weekend we are the famous 5 and we plan on tearing up the town in style. James and Ari have already had a head start, so catch up time. We head to the pool for a little bit of R&R, then I decide to go shopping as I've run out of razors and looking like chewbacca... 

First night consisted of dinner at the social house for some pan Asian cuisine. 

Food was fab and consisted of Kobe Gyoza, Lobster Rolls, Rock Shrimp and Cocktails - the lovely and very generous Ari decided to treat us and picked up the tab... Very kind of you sweetie. Thank you. After dinner we headed to the Paris Las Vegas where we had guest list for a club there but Chris, Court and I lost the others. There was a line for the club and I couldn't be arsed at this point, so headed back to the hotel. 

I met Chris later about 3am, we had a flutter on the machines and when I headed off to bed, Chris actually went for a run, to rid himself of alcohol. What a waste of hard-earned cash if you ask me!!. I spend hundreds to feel like that and this kid wants to jog it off? The only thing I was running was a bar tab! 

Sunday

I slept late again (Vegas seems to do this to me) and didn't get to the pool until gone 2pm. The guys were already established ring-side, sunning themselves. I don't really take too well to the sun bathing thing, so decides to head off, get some lunch and meet the guys later for early dinner, as we have tickets to the MJ Cirque Du Soliel show tonight. shamone!!

So before the MJ concert we went to Mon Ami Gabi, for some French fare. It was nice but didn't blow me out the water, although the views where lovely, as we had a table on the balcony and could see not only the bright lights of sin city all around, but the Belagio Water Fountain show was directly across the road..

Not the best photo.. Erm...

I look like im trying to crack the davinci code here!! Ari looks stunning tho.. 

As for MJ... Words can't describe.

 Personally I didnt think I was a big fan until I realised I knew every word, of every song.. It was amazing. It's a Cirque Solieil production but doesn't offer much in the line of acrobatics.. This is a MJ tribute. I don't want to give too much away but at one point they had a hologram of MJ singing man in the mirror and it was interactive with the dancers. To me, that was the highlight, as it looked like MJ was on stage. I actually welled up (I was worried about the kids) ahem..... It was pretty spectacular. So much so, I bought a glove for my good friend, and avid fan Dale Woodman. There is a sequin glove in the post for you my friend and should match that MJ red leather bomber you own:

What a cool night and I don't even want to tell you how large CW pupils where after the show.. So say he had an adrenalin rush is an understastment.. That boy really loves his MJ! 

These are his actual shoes and socks. Weirdly the guy had quite big feet.. Now you think you know someone don't you...

Monday

Well, James and I went to Aureole for dinner tonight and I have to admit, it was the sexiest bit of dining I've had since being in sin city. The restaurant has a five story wine rack, so when you order, you have a beautiful lady in a unitard, bunging up to find your wine - very eneteraining! All in all, this was my favourite food in Vegas. Good ending to a great weekend...

So... Back to L.A to meet my sister and celebrate my birthday.. Let's see what the next week will bring eh?? 

Chow for now me amigos xxx