Almost 2 months in Panama..

Happy Newyear guys!!. 2014 eh?? 

What delights will this year bring? Let's hope it's a blinder my friends and what better way to open up the Newyear than with a bit of satirical news... Spoiler alert!! OFF TOPIC NEWSFLASH on one of my favourite subjects!!!!! Taliban! Enjoy!!

NEWSFLASH - Taliban Insurgents, have criticised Mullah Omar's alleged "holier than Mo" attitude and lack of professionalism within the terrorist cell.

Earlier this year within the bowels of a Kandahar training camp, The Taliban was voted the world's best jihadist movements to work for, 2013 but it seems that not all insurgents agree with this accolade.

One former extreme fundamentalist who doesn't want to be named for fear of repercussions, said he was expected to separate the arms and legs from the amputee pile, while another claimed there was "no real ME time whatsoever" while employed by the group.

Another criticised the long hours which he claimed sometimes involved being oncall 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

According to an insider, the disgruntled terrorists posted their opinions on a well known Taliban chat room, DieInfidelDie.com

Although it's not all doom and gloom. The Taliban is known for offering its recruits free meals as well as various other perks including rape and pillaging. The Taliban HQ culinary team are a hardworking an innovative crew who even have their own Facebook group it seems, and the goat-head curry page has had more online hits than Lady Gaga's latest release, "Do what U want" feat R.Kelli.

Earlier this year it was revealed that Taliban interns are earning up to four virgins a year, with at least ten roles commanding double that figure, as well as a line of luxury Persian rugs and an exotic camels for their first born son.

So what did Taliban militants actually complain about?

Long working hours

Rahool Addir, a frontline fighter within the terrorist network said that he was expected to work 24 hours a day, seven days a week for at least six weeks of the year: "During on-call duty, which is around the infidel holiday of Christmas, Hanukah and Newyear, fundamentalists are responsible for keeping the service up and running, come what may. We don't have a holiday like our western enemy! For those weeks I don't leave town on the weekend", groaned Rahool as he polished his bazooka.

Another former recruit said that they were put on a strenuous performance improvement plan: "I can be out terrorising, anything between 12-14 hour days, in ALL weathers. My fingers are bloodied by the intricate detailing required to build suicide vests for local children and young female family members! I'm on my walki-talki constantly and i'm hyper aware that my performance and workmanship is being constantly monitored and sneered at by my peers. It's exhausting and totally emasculating!" he shrugs..

Lack of focus

A former intern at Taliban HQ said that there had been a "complete lack of focus" on their team while at the terror cell.

Another employee said that The Taliban did not yet have a functional infrastructure and that trying to figure out how to do "cool Sharia things" with a team of 400 morally corrupt religious fanatics is far harder than it sounds.

"Thanks to the Pakistani training camps our recruits are getting younger and we growing fast BUT we have never emphasised organisation, or stability within the workplace", he bangs his fist on the table to emphasize this point.

A young intern showing our reporters how to disassemble an AK47 at frightening speed. Even he was surprised..

A former isurgent said that this lack of focus had a big impact on the network: "Instructions were not clear, everything was a guessing game, and I was immediately set up to fail. And when I didn't perform, I was told I lacked intuition and pizazz! my wife and family were soon put to public execution to try mend my ways. It's crazy mental pressure here!!!".

Female being executed for being.... erm... female I suppose?? 

Not as exciting as it seems??

While The Taliban may seem an exciting terrorist cell to work for, it's not all glitz and glamour. According to one of our sources: "It was probably my worst terrorising experience to date and I've been about!

I was temporarily assigned to Helmand with very little guidance or support, serving two of the worst political fundamentalists I've ever interacted with.

The team treated me like garbage and I was asked to do really menial tasks."

Those tasks included, pounding the corridors of locals schools looking for young girls to execute  and hanging about darkened alleys in the hope to catch an adulterous copulating couple. "It's boring!" claimed our source, as he rolled his eyes and turned to beat a local woman, trying to console her nursing infant.

Top P.R spokesperson for the Taliban, Mr Max Clifford, said that the group would not comment on the story.

Taliban. The internal fight goes on.....

Wouldn't be surprised if the above gets a fatwa put on my head. Hey ho!!! 

Ok, let me give you an overview of where I've been living for the past month.

Lost & Found

The lost and found is a backpacker haven, nestled in the Chiriqui mountains in Northern Panama. It's a cloud forest and for those that don't know what that is, it basically means that you are level with the clouds (erm, I think there is a more technical reason but this is my reasoning..). Because of this, we have our own micro-climate and we can have several different types of weather in one day. Sometimes when it rains we can be holed up on the mountain for days as it's too tricky to try get down. 

One of the key things that surprised me the most about L&F is that it's pretty remote. If you want to nip out for a pint of milk, you have to hike down the mountain and then walk for about 20mins before you hit the small town of La Mina where there is a small store with limited offerings. All in all, it will take about an hour and a half, so best come prepared, or try live on the slim pickings that they sell at the lodge.

If you want to buy more substantial fare, you will have to travel into the city of David which is abut an hours bus ride away (I will need another blog to detail the buses - an experience to say the least). Again, a day at the supermarket will mean at least a 4-5 hour round trip, not to mention, you have to hike your purchases back up to the top of the mountain (although I usually pay a local man Dario to help me).. It really makes you realise how convenient our lives are in the western world. On the upside, my quads are in terrific shape and last night I cracked a walnut with my glutemousmaximus :-) 

We have a couple of cool things to keep me amused at the hostel, most of it being wildlife. We have some Olingos, Cacomistles and Capuchins that visit us daily. The little Olingo that comes daily is called One Eyed Willy, named after the famous Pirate (stop sniggering please), as like him, he's blind in one eye. He's as cute as a button and will run all over you to grab food with his little black human like hands. He's such a wee character. Then we have our own resident pet, Rocky, who lives in an enclosure at the lodge. He's a little Kinkajou and is the funniest cutest wee thing I've ever had the fortune of cuddling. Every night we will pay him a visit and take the guests into the enclosure to say hello (if he's in the mood that is). Yeah, sometimes I've gone in there and he's jumped on my head, suffocating my face with his wee furry body. He's a right little trickster and often tries to pull my shoes off, check me for flees, lick my neck (weirdo!) and tries to bite my nails, fingers, chin and nose. He absolutely loves honey, so when he is acting like a psychopath, I often appease him with a wee teaspoonful, so he can chill the fuck out. Supposedly full moons make him go a bit postal. Information I wish I was given earlier in my post. Hmmmm....

My friend Noah's hand, holding a hummingbird. He managed to bring him back from the brink of death after he was found half alive on the kitchen floor. 

An evening pic of the view of the local volcano, Vulcan Barru

Stormy night on the mountain..

I've also met some cool friends while there. I suppose I should give you a rundown on each of them, along with cheesie kodak moments but my life as a professional pisshead eclipses my role at the hostel and I doubt if I have 2 pics to rub together, of anyone I hold in any great regard. Maybe this should be a newyears resolution. Note to self...Must make more visual memories of the people I meet while travelling! 

Where is the fun in that, when you have facebook and the dark world of cyberstalking at your fingertips moohahahaha (evil laugh..)..

So I've had the pleasure of hosting the lovely Sheila Dwyer and Greg Thompson over the Christmas and Newyear period. I still smile like a proud parent when I think of her little face as I sailed up to the pub in Almirante to meet her in the boat I'd hired... A big rasta man in the back navigating for me and a big lion of Zion painted on the front of the boat! This boat actually reappears later on in our journey but with a more sinister tone..... Ah the suspense eh?? 

So I'm currently sitting by the pool in a hotel in David, sunning myself before I head back to Lost & Found tomorrow to resume duties. I would LOVE to tell you all about Christmas and Newyear but my dear friend and fellow partner in crime Sheila-D, is going to blog this as a guest blogger! I've decided that anyone that comes out to join me, must add some input to the blog, so hopefully we should be able to give you details of the fun and frolics soon. In the meantime, here are the limited number of photos I took... 

Take it away Miss Dwyer!!! xxx

Panama baby

Touch down baby!!! 

Yip, I'm here. No more fannying about. I'm now a REAL foreigner with limited language skills, no geographical knowledge except for what I've read on lonely planet and I'm not afraid to admit it, I'm totally out of my comfort zone.. I'm going to miss the States. They have nursed me through my first 3 months of travelling and turned me into a porker in the process, due to their delicious junk food (mainly chilli-cheese-fries and cinnamon rolls).. and cheap wine! Yummy.. 

The first thing I noticed about Panama was the heat. It's not stifling or pathetically hot but it HAS to be the most humid place I've been. If I open my balcony door, the whole room fills with condensation like I've been in a hot shower. If I use my iPad or iPhone outside, the screen steams up. Even if I put on my sunglasses, I look like a sweaty pervert as my Glasses fog over within seconds! It's weird!

My mirror after leaving the door open for a min

So while in Panama City I've done the expected, Panama Canal, Casco Viejo (the old town), bit of shopping for outdoor wear, a visit to the Amador causeway and even managed to go to a few nature reserves to see the beloved sloths - possibly the cutest mammal alive ... 

First sloth I spotted

The Panama Canal

The Amador Causeway

Casco Viejo

My hand next to a critter, so you can visualise the actual scale - yikes!!!

Rather large Iguana going for a stroll

My guide Kevin

Dinner time for the Panama City raccoons.

Ok, so educational facts ala'Lola....

Panama Canal

This is what I've gathered so far:

It's man made and initially started by the French in 1880 but they made a balls up and after 13 years trying to build it, it went pears. Mainly due to the fact they tried to build it the same level as sea level. Supposedly the soil is clay, so this wasn't possible as the land kept capsizing and the French where too incompetent in this arena to sort it out 😳! The other key issue was disease and they reckon about 20k people died from malaria and yellow fever and other tropical lergy. 

After this embarrassingly epic fuckup, the Americans took the lead (1904) but took a different strategy. They decided to build the canal with Locks, as opposed to sea level and spent years on research on the engineering concepts and disease control.. They nailed it basically (girlie swots). 

Key facts

• Amount of money spunked by the French $260,000,000
• Amount United States paid French for their rights and property $40,000,000 
• Canal Zone acquired by U.S. from Panama by treaty February 23, 1904
• Amount United States paid Panama for Canal Zone $10,000,000
• Date of official opening August 15, 1914
• A boat traveling from New York to San Francisco saves 7,872 miles by using the Panama Canal instead of going around Cape Horn.
• Length of Canal from Atlantic to Pacific 51 miles & Width 10 miles
• Time to transit Canal 8-10 hours
• Number of ships crossing daily 40
• Estimated cost of the Panama Canal built by U.S.  $375,000,000
• Toll charge for Disney Magic cruise ship in 2008 $313,200
• Estimated cost for expansion of the Panama Canal $5.25 billion
• Estimated year of completion of expansion 2014 (pigs will fly)

Why bother? Well, it's the only transit to get a boat from one end of the Americas to the other. If boats where to take "the scenic route" and go round the land, it would take them an additional month and 8,000 miles, at extreme cost. 

In the year 2000, the USA handed back the control of the canal to Panama but the initial passing this through senate (back in 1978 I think??) was not popular. General consensus was "we built it and paid for it, it's ours" hey ho, it's back under Panama control. Nice American neighbours eh? 

Ah, a history if the world according to Lorraine, hahah. Hope I haven't bored you too much?? Xxx

Lost & Found

Sooo, Ive now been holed up in the jungle for almost 3 weeks at a jungle lodge called Lost & Found. I am currently volunteering here, helping to check in guests, keeping the communial areas clean and help advise guests of local trails and tours of the area. Have to admit, I really like it here but damn, it's way way way out of my comfort zone. First issue BUGS and they are bugs of prehistoric proportion! I have seen some absolute corkers since I've been here and for some reason, the little shits sense my fear and usually target me as either a running blood buffet or as a landing pad. Saying that, some are amazingly beautiful and come in amazing colours and patterns but regardless, I would rather admire at a distance!!

Second issue LOCATION - the lodge is situated in the jungle at the top of the mountain, so even "popping out" for a pint of milk needs a degree in orientation and quad muscles of pure steel. It's a 15 min uphill hike to the lodge, which is doubled if you are carrying groceries or anything of any weight.

Third issue is WEATHER!! It's a cloud/rain forest, so the weather is very unpredictable and when it rains, it rains. It got so bad at one point that we couldn't leave the mountain for days, due to torrential rain and poor visibility! 

Those are the negatives and to be honest, it's a very small price to pay, as the positive certainly outwiegh the negatives. 

There are some cool people here at the lodge, spectacular views of the Panamanian mountains and Volcano. The wildlife is amazing and on a daily basis we are visited by humming birds, capuchin monkeys, cacomistles, olingos and not to mention stunning tropical birds who gather in abundance at the outdoor showers in the morning - it's pretty cool.

I'm going to detail the lodge and my time here in the next blog (promise to issue within the next few days) in more details as there is too much to detail at once.

So until then, it's adios from Jungle Jane, reporting from no mans land!!! 

Never eat a Polar bears liver

It's a question I know that has perplexed the best of us for many years "What would happen if I ate a Polar Bears liver?". Lots of people nodding their head in agreement I can sense.... 

Anyway, being on the road means that I like to fill myself with useless information from the super information highway and this one came up..

Well the answer is NO, don't eat it, put the fork down. i don't care if its smothered in bacon and onions, served with a buttery colcannon and gravy, it will kill you and here is why:

The native peoples of the Arctic have never shied away from cooking up some polar bear stew, but they've long known to avoid eating the livers of various arctic creatures. Western explorers, however, learned the hard way. As early as 1596, explorers returned to Europe with accounts of horrible illnesses resulting from the consumption of polar bear liver .

Illness severity depended on how much liver the explorers consumed, but symptoms typically included drowsiness, sluggishness, irritability, severe headache, bone pain, blurred vision and vomiting. Perhaps the most horrific symptom they encountered was peeling skin. While milder cases merely involved flaking around the mouth, some accounts reported cases of full-body skin loss. Even the thick skin on the bottoms of a patient's feet could peel away, leaving the underlying flesh bloody and exposed. The worst cases ended in liver damage, hemorrhage, coma and death.

These explorers suffered from acute hypervitaminosis A, a condition resulting from the overconsumption of vitamin A during a short period of time. The polar bear's liver, much like those of arctic seals and huskies, contains extremely high levels of retinol (the form of vitamin A found in members of the animal kingdom).

Fascinating bit of triv eh, but were you thinking what I was thinking?? Who was the fat bastard that ate so much bear liver that he could peel his feet like a satsuma, until he gradually lapsed into a coma and died. By the sounds of it, they were probably happy to be rid of him!!. Seriously! No one needs a total gannet while on an artic expedition. Especially when food is so scarce you have resorted to eating the offal from an endangered species.. Just saying guys ;-)  

Anyway, had a bit of R&R time with my buddy Shaney out in Sarasota. Well I say R&R - it was fucking carnage as we both drink like fishes and lets just say, he's a thirstier fish than me. First night was "just a quiet one", 3 double gins, 3 glasses of wine, followed by a 2 litre bottle of white zinfandel, then washed down by 2 bottles of Sauvignon Blanc, followed by a couple of LARGE vodkas and lime.. carnage!!

I didn't actually get a photo of Shane and I together, so here is one we made earlier at old Prawn eyes 40th birthday.. 

God bless him, he still managed to get up for work the next day but after a half day at the office, he came back, took me out to breakfast and I ate about a skidmark of scrambled egg before I threw the towel in. Not to mention, I'm still unwell and in dire need of antibiotics. Sounds like I've got whooping cough a close relative to Marge Simpson - nasty! Anyway, after brunch, we go back to Shane's, have a little snooze and decided on another "quiet one". 

So we went to the local Italian arounf 9.30pm, had a bottle of wine, 2 courses and a few back at the Thirsty Turtle (Shane's local).. Got a cab back and we were home by a respectable 12.30 ("quiet one"). Early night yeah? WRONG!! When back, we decide to polish off that gargantuan bottle of fancy vodka he had situated on the top of the fridge and only headed off to bed because the sun was coming up and we were running low on Marlborough.. His neighbours must have loved us, partying out on the balcony, listening to guilty pleasures such as Wham, Beyonce, Kate Bush & Springsteen. Hilarious!! 

I saw this little dude trying to cross the road, so jumped out of the car and moved him onto the grass. Anyway, about an hour later we drive back to Shane's and we see this little dude trying to cross the dual carriage way. It was horrible!! Lucky enough, people were driving round him but they were going at a speed. All you needed was some skittery old dude and he would be a goner.. I couldn't look, it was too distressing but also too dangerous to try save him.. 

Shane lives in a beautiful part of the world and on Sunday he showed me round town, including a trip to the beach which has some cute little bars and restaurants dotted round.

The beach was gorgeous, all white powdery sands, water like turquoise glass and a smattering of hot guys just for good measure (always a bonus). We then went to a place called St Armard circle

for cocktails and I totally fell in love. its a mix of little colourful boutique shops (selling some right dodgy outfits), beautiful little restaurants and some lovely cocktails bars, which we took full advantage of..

We rounded off the night at a restaurant called Longhorns for a juicy steak and then headed back to the Thirsty Turtle to finish what we started Friday.. Good times but as you can imagine, the next day I was as sick as a parrot and had to catch my flight to Panama. Cutting a long story short, I missed my flight :-( so they moved me onto the next one, which was the following day. To be honest, I welcomed this, as I was in no fit state to travel to a foreign country and navigate round Panama City on my own. Not to mention, my hangover paranoia was off the hook.. 

So next day I'm on the plane, heading to Panama City. Got chatting to a lovely wee man sitting next to me from Idaho. We were getting on swimmingly until he told me that he hates Californians (fair enough, each to their own, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, yeah?)... He then proceeded to tell me he wouldn't give a shit if it dropped into the Ocean and wiped them all out (erm..ok, bit harsh mate but freedom of speech and all that jazz). THEN he highlighted "especially what goes on up in that San Francisco area" and actually screwed up his face, like I'd just given him a ripe Dirty Sanchez!!.  Well, the shutters came down on him instantly after that. He got "The Look" and the headphones got whacked on (I just wish I could do that raised one eyebrow trick like my mum and uncle Stephen... Hmmm) - subtlety has never been my strong point - fact! and he was feeling it!.. Fucking Nazi's.. They live among us and cunningly disguised as cute wee old men - clever bloody bastards ain't they???!!! Be warned guys... They walk among us....

Anyhoo

OK, I'LL ADMIT IT.. I'm missing my little sis LOADS.. Just thinking about some of her funny quotes and reactions to thing makes me chuckle and pine for her. For instance, just before our Marilyn Manson Halloween extravaganza, we were having lunch. Conversation goes like this:

Kathleen: "What is Marilyn Manson real name?"

Me: "Brian"

Kathleen: (immediately starts choking on her food, face starts going purple and basically doing one of those hysterical silent laughs)

Me: "what?"

K: (in hysterics and has tears) "well that's kinda killed the moment eh???"

Basically we did not stop laughing for 10 whole days. It was great!. So nice to have someone (other than yourself) that gets your jokes. I'm famously known for LOVING my own jokes and usually laugh the loudest. WELL, Kathleen is the same, if not worse, although sometimes she doesn't even get to the punch line before erupting into a fit of irrational hysterics. Lol!

We both missed the parents though and wished they would have been there to share the experience. They would have loved our little adventure.

God I love that kid.. x

So Panama.. 

Verdict so far is, I thought it would have been more 3rd world but it actually seems to be quite affluent (although not massively). The people are über friendly, the climate is über hot & humid and so far, everything is über cheap. It's so humid here that when I open my door in the morning to have a ciggy outside, by the time I go back inside, all the mirrors in the room have steamed up like I've just had a lava bath.. The weather is crazy odd but from what I've seen so far, it's beautiful and I'm still in the capital, which is the least beautiful part. I've seen some cool wildlife so far but keeping you guys on ice until my next post. but until then, i saw my first wild Sloth

Oh, just in case I forget, I've created a new invention that I wish to share with you guys.. 

Basically, I like steak and mash potato and always order my steak medium, BUT sometimes it comes back a bit too bloody. The dilemma I have is that when I cut into my steak, my plate is covered in blood and my mash turns pink and I won't eat it. Tonight, I had the same dilemma. I ordered medium but it came out medium rare (grrrr). So THIS TIME I built a mash potato dam (about 6" long and about 0.5" wide) around my mashed spud!! This worked a treat!,, I could cut away into the meat with gay abandon without worrying that my potato will be contamited with bovine blood. I'm thinking about approaching the Dragons Den with my new Brain Child..it's cunningly named "The Mash Moat".. You heard it here first kids x

Adios me amigos xxx

Achoo...

Sods law!! Little sis touches down in L.A, got my birthday plans and itinerary for the week and only come down with a bug.. Got the sweats, sore throat, running nose and a cough that sounds like I should be entombed in an iron lung - an embarrassing chesty cough that erupts into action as soon as laugh and leaves me purple and out of breath - good times!! I have tried not to let this nasty little critter/bug/infection get to me and for Kathleens sake, i have tried to soldier on, although I am exhausted. 

It's Kathleen's first time in a hostel and I think she liked it. In fact, let me just ask her and I can reiterate in her own words:

Me: Kathleen, what was your impression before you went to the hostel - what were you expecting?

K: ah don't know, em... I don't know, em.. I thought I would be sharing with 40 other people in bunk beds.. Erm, are you writing this down for your blog??

Me: Yes

Me: Did you enjoy staying there? 

K: (embarrassed, she nods head and start eating cold Chinese food)...

Well, that's the end of that convo then. :-)

Well so far we have spent 3 nights in West Hollywood, 2 nights Venice Beach, 1 night Santa Monica and I am now sitting on a bus heading back to Vegas (seriously).. We have 3 nights there before Kathleen heads back to Blighty (sad face)... Been such a good laugh but has just flown in. Highlights so far have been:

1) Both of us being picked on my a comedian at a comedy show and Amy taking offence and telling him that she would "fuck him up".. YIP!!! I was a hares breath from taking the mike off him and asking the audience why you should never steal a Mexicans cheese... To be honest, I think I'm funnier and can do a better job and I think he knew it (famous last words of a heckler).

2) Birthday celebrations at Universal Studios. Funniest part of the day was when we both went to the Haunted House. It was hysterical and really REALLY scary. Kathleen actually run face into a wall trying to get away from a werewolf, then she ran into a woman, head butted her and the woman bit Kathleen's skull on impact. I was absolutely pissing myself.. I got so frightened at one point, I was like laughing/crying/panicking and ran off with only one shoe on - it was so funny but no way I would do that shit again. Terrifying!!

Bates motel with Hooville in the background! Ace!!

This was the backdrop in the King Kong movie

The plane crash in War of the Worlds...

3) Popping out for a "quiet drink" in Venice Beach, then befriending some locals. Flashback include being in some kind of prohibition style club, going back to some birds house and rolling about her floor with her dogs, clubbing at a crazy Halloween night where everyone was in costume, talking to the guy from the movie knocked up (well, Amy thought it was him) and going to bed minging at 6.30am on the day of check out! Here are some snapshots I found on my phone next day...

Victoria Beckham on a bike ride down Venice

One for the money..

Spooky DJ Booth

Erm... Okaaayyy... Can't believe I actually brazenly snapped away at them. Sheesh!!

4) Hiring out a couple of cruisers and biking round Venice and Marina Del Ray, while listening to my sis squealing in delight for being reacquainted with her childhood.

5) And last but not least, my favorite thing of all, is what happened in Vegas...

So far, we have accomplished 2 hangovers out of 7days which is pretty good going. Lets see what Vegas will bring...

Vegas baby

So I show Kathleen how to play the slots and within 20mins I'm over $100 up.. Easy money again! By the end of our trip, I am over $400 up again.. Little sis has had a few flutters and got a few quid. All in all we both up. 

By shear chance we hear that there is a Halloween party at Belagio hosted by (drum roll please)...... Tada!! The one and only Marlyn Manson!! I think I almost passed out and made it my mission to get into this place - if anyone can blag it, its The Lola - So after a few hours of phoning and emailing, I've tracked down the organiser and managed to wangle a table for 2 for the night. He loved my shit and told us not to wait in line, to come to the front and he will take us down to the party. I obviously high fived myself after this little accomplishment, dropped to me knees while doing an air grab! Happy isn't the word.. Now, what to wear?? 

Decided not to go in full costume but just to nail the makeup. I've decided on vampire - not very imaginative but effective. Kathleen is doing half face skeleton... Good times!

The finished results look a bit like this:

The gig itself. We are VIP!! Yay!! We have a bouncer

We met so many people and Kathleen was being chatted up by the drummer from Pantera. I didn't realise until the next day who he was. I just thought he was a random bloke dressed up to look like Lemmy 

Vinnie Paul from Pantera

Lemmy - uncanny eh??

After Kathleen leaves, it's time for me to leave the USA and head to Panama. My friend Shane lives in Florida, so I have decided to fly to Panama from there, so I can see him for a few days. Most flights to Panama from LAX connect in Florida, so 2 birds, 1 stone... Looking forward to seeing his face!! 

In the meantime, here is some breaking news from the world of online gaming:

New Call of Duty game to be based on TA

THE new Call of Duty game will focus on the exploits of the Territorial Army, developers have revealed.

Mike must deliver a high impact presentation

In a departure from the usual special forces scenario, players take the role of a part-time soldier whose main job is doing marketing for a bathroom fittings company in Stevenage.

Infinity Ward developer Stephen Malley said: “Our challenge with Call of Duty is to keep each game fresh and different. And you don’t get more different than being a marketing executive called Mike.

“Gameplay accurately mimics Mike’s schedule, with most of your time spent going to meetings and preparing brochures about taps, shower rails and backlit shaving mirrors.

“Key objectives include successful flirtation with female colleagues and convincing Mike’s line manager to let him leave early because he’s got to yomp across Exmoor.

“There’s a also a particularly tough section where Mike has to navigate Spaghetti Junction to get to BathExpo 2013 at Birmingham NEC.

“The military action kicks in at weekends, when Mike attends training camps where he practises marching and goes on field exercises, which culminate in a few pints at a pub.

Gaming journalist Tom Logan said: “The section where you go on a five-mile route march in the Brecon Beacons is so realistic you can practically smell the Savlon you’re putting on a nasty blister.”